“The secular or false self is the self which is fabricated, as Thomas Merton says, by social compulsions. “compulsive” is indeed the best adjective for the false self. It points to the need for ongoing and increasing affirmation. Who am i? I am the one who is liked, praised, admired, disliked, hated or despised. Whether I am a pianist, a businessman, or a minister, what matters is how I am perceived by my world. If being busy is a good thing, then I must be busy. If having money is a sign of real freedom, then I must claim my money. If knowing many people proves my importance, I will have to make the necessary contacts. The compulsion manifests itself in the lurking fear of failing and the steady urge to prevent this by gathering more of the same-more work, more money, more friends. these very compulsions are at the basis of two main enemies of the spiritual life: anger and greed. They are the inner side of a secular life, the sour fruits of our worldly dependencies. what else is anger than being an impulsive response to the experience of being deprived? when my sense of self depends on what others say to me, anger is a quite natural reaction to a critical word. And when my sense of self depends on what I can acquire, greed flares up when my desires are frustrated. thus greed and anger are brother and sister of a false self fabricated by the social compuslsions of an unredeemed world.” -Henri J.M. Nouwen “The way of the heart”
So many thoughts came to me while reading this tonight. My sense of entitlement that creeps in so often. My desire from affirmation within everything that I do. My need to accomplish and produce at a rapid pace. My need to busy myself into oblivion so I don’t feel worthless. But more importantly, the anger that I feel when these things aren’t accredited to me.
Countless times, even since I have been in California, I have felt anger when I things I felt I was entitled to, weren’t given to me. Or when someone doesn’t affirm me where I felt affirmation was deserved. Or when I am not able to accomplish at a rate that I feel acceptable for my “self”(or ego).(see past blog post about putting a little girls bike together)
I can only begin to pray through this and start to process.
There are a couple of things that come to mind.
1. Part of this desire for all of these things comes from my childhood and teenage years. I was pushed constantly while playing sports that I need to be producing. I had to score on the ice, otherwise our team would lose. When the pressure was on, and all eyes were watching, I felt the need to produce. I thrived on the affirmation that I attained throughout all of this. If there was none, i thought i was entitled to it because of what I had produced. The same goes on the opposite spectrum. When I didn’t produce and accomplish, I didn’t gain any affirmation, which drove me to desire to produce more, and accomplish more, so I would feel this false sense of affirmation.
2. Part of this desire comes from my old job. If I wasn’t constantly busy, then something was wrong. I needed to always be doing, always be producing, and always be working at a frantic pace, otherwise there would be some sort of rebuke coming my way. I was “entitled” to praise from my boss and fellow co-workers because of the work I was able to accomplish in a day. And if this didn’t happen(which was quite often) I was very angry at them and myself. Which therefore fueled my desire to accomplish and busy myself even more.
3. Part of this desire I believe comes the culture that we are surrounded by. We need to live at a frantic busy pace to acquire as much money and possessions as possible. To “get to the top” in the rat race that has become a normal way of life. On top of this, the constant barrage of media in the forms of movies, television shows, music are sure fire ways to keep our minds off of our brokenness that is prevalent if we just slowed down and rested in God.
I am forced to take a long hard look at myself after reading through this passage.
Is affirmation from the world going to satisfy me? Or knowing that my identity is found in Christ. Am I going to be filled up by knowing I am named, loved, affirmed, and adopted in him? Or am I going to manipulate conversations, produce at a hectic pace, and take a win at all costs attitude to gain praise from people around me?
Where is my sense of entitlement coming from? The way of the cross isn’t upward, its the path of descent. To fully follow Jesus Christ, I need to understand this and practice it on a daily basis. I am reminded of a story I heard the other day of a man who prayed to God for money. He prayed that he would never have to little money, and never to much. Just enough to get by. Why should i feel entitled to comfort in my life? Why should I feel entitled to opportunities that I don’t fully deserve. Instead I should be reminded of the “great cloud of witnesses” that have gone before me, and realize that I am not entitled anything in this world, except the love of Christ.
God didn’t come in the rushing wind, or the earthquakes, he came in the still silence. Everything in my body screams at me to be busy. To always be producing. When I am fully in tune with Christ, I believe that my life will slow down, so I can hear the Holy Spirit directing my every step.
I hate the fact that I feel all of this. I hate that I get angry when I don’t get the praise or affirmation I think i “deserve”. I hate the fact that I will try and manipulate conversations or situations to gain this. I hate that I feel pushed to produce and accomplish, because my worth will come through this. I hate that I busy myself to the point where I can’t even sit still, let alone hear God’s voice in the still silence.
This is where the redemptive work of the cross comes in. Jesus overcame, so I don’t have to. His blood is the only thing that can redeem me. not by things that I have accomplished or produced, but by simply being in him. I pray that I would slow down enough to let his love reclaim every aspect of my life. I pray that I would find my worth knowing I am made in the image of God. I pray that my affirmation would come only when I stand before my Father at the end of days. I pray that the cross is big enough to take a hold of all of this, and Jesus would reclaim all of these area’s of my life. I pray that once he has reclaimed these areas, to use me as an agent of restoration in a broken world, only to bring praise to him.
